“I want you to go to a public bathroom, remove all your clothing and wank yourself until you cum. Of course, I expect you to clean up the way I like for you to.”

“Mistress, please no. You know how hard it is for me to do that in public. Please don’t make me.”

“I understand your feelings and struggles in doing this. However, I desire that you try. That’s all I’m asking, for you to go and try to do this for me.”

“Yes, Mistress. I will try for you.”

“Thank you dear.”…

The conversation moves forward, a little talking, a little teasing about what he is going to do lightens the mood. The submissive seems to be doing alright. He is responding to your cues, following your lead to make him feel more comfortable. You have asked him to try something that is new and scary. He seems open and accepting. However, how does he really feel? Later, the conversation continues…

… “My dear, when I asked you to do this, what was your first gut reaction?”

“Mistress, I am willing to do anything you desire.”

“I know and appreciate that dear, but I am asking your gut reaction, not the reaction of your submissive self.” …

The submissive quickly thinks. He is allowed and expected to express his feelings, but can he really tell you how he feels without hurting your feelings or making you second-guess yourself?

When first confronted with a situation that is limit expanding and demanding, many submissives have a menagerie of emotions – fear, anxiety and maybe a brief case of resentment. How we, as dominants, react to these feelings really defines how successful the relationship will be.

They are allowed to feel these emotions, after all, wouldn’t you if you were asked to do something that was scary for you. The key, I feel, is how we react. My personal belief is that I need to distract the submissive for a few minutes with something else, to take his thoughts off his emotions. Just as I whisper in an ear that “my pussy is getting so wet,” when I am flogging a clothespin off someone to distract them from their pain and give them a little encouragement, distracting them during their initial reaction in pushing a limit is just as important.

No matter how long or how much experience a submissive has had, negative emotions will arise. I have listened to a submissive ‘let me have it.” I allow them to express all their thoughts, at times they just ramble words that might not make sense.

No, this isn’t submissive, but when emotions are fueling inside a human, being submissive isn’t the emotion that is surging at the moment. Taking the time to sit back and listen to their words – how they are saying it, or if it’s online, noticing their grammar errors or misspelled words that are more than usual – is one of the most important things we can do for our submissive.

You can’t take the negative emotions personally. Even if they feel anger or anxiety with the situation, they don’t feel it towards you per sé. Sometimes emotions take over. Once they calm down and feel as if they have expressed the feelings to you, then you may go back and discuss why they feel this way, and if needed, how they could have better reacted in order for you to help and understand them through the emotions.

… “Mistress, I am very afraid and scared, and to be honest, I don’t want to do this.”

“Then why are you doing it dear?”

“Because you asked it of me Mistress.”

“Yes, I did and I thank you for doing it. Please tell me how you dealt with the anxiety and emotions you experienced.”

The key here is to see how he responds to this the first time it happens compared to the most recent time, because no matter how hard they try to hold back, emotions will jump out. Is he more respectful in how he responds to his emotions? Has he learned that he is allowed to have these emotions, but that there is a proper way to express them? How you respond, in a calm, objective manner shows and confirms to them that no matter how emotional they get, you will still be in control and can handle even the most strenuous of situations.

When one of my submissives and I first started, his first reaction when he felt anxiety or fear was to run – which for him, meant get offline and avoid me for days – he did this on several occasions. However, after the initial surge of emotions ended, we were able to talk. Each time this happened, the running lessened and now we can openly discuss his emotions. In doing this, I also have found that I am more open with my emotions.

In preparing for this article, I asked him a few questions. I wanted to see how open he felt he could be with me. I actually was surprised by some of his answers and this led us into other topics, which is wonderful for our communications.

“If I ask you to do something and you don’t want to, what emotion does that bring forth.”

His responses ranged between guilt, frustration, and relief.

When I asked if he ever felt resentment he said, “Sure, being made to do stuff, especially with you, the trust card can bring up resentment. But, I think over time, I know you much better and know you wish me no harm so, the resentment is largely superficial, generalization is hard, depends on the situation you’re asking. And my frame-of-mind are all factors. Same thing at two different times could possibly have two different reactions.”

[me] “If you are feeling angry, resentful, or scared, how important is my reaction to you when you express this? Meaning how I react to your emotions.”

[him] “Again, no black or white. It is important and my response will be dependant on what I feel your reaction to it will be. Sometimes the situation is such where I feel there is limited room for negotiation then it is different to where I feel you are open to discussion.”

[me] “So what emotions come when I say, I want you to do xxx, you've already explained to me that you are anxious and nervous to do it, but I still ask it of you?”

[him] “There is only one issue between us ultimately. We have reached a point where I know, you will never ask me to do anything that you are not 100% sure is safe. So, the negotiation is more a task in getting my mind to accept things. Despite knowing you, sometimes it works sometimes not. In private, I think I am open to just about anything. But because of what I said earlier, the non-private side of things really scare me and brings about frustration, and ultimately makes me scared that it will be the cause of things going off the rails permanently.”

[me] “That makes sense, thank you, but it brings another question. You feel if you don’t do as I ask, then that will cause me to leave?”

[him] “Yes, not at that instant... but over time it may. Not as a friend, but Mistress.”

[me] “So you have done things for me, that makes you scared or nervous because of the fear of losing me as a Mistress?”

[him]“It is never the overriding factor. No single emotion is, but sometimes it does play a part.”

This last part, of course made us talk even more, which is a good thing. I never realized that he really felt that way. However, me allowing him to express his emotions opened the door for us to grow closer.
In the end, emotions can be managed, both positive and negative ones. The positive ones are the easiest, but the negative ones are the ones that teach us the most about our submissives and ourselves. Being there to listen and not condemn the submissive for having negative emotions is one of the most important building block we can we can have in place for the relationship. We need to let them know it is acceptable to have the negative emotions and no matter what, we are here to listen, accept and calm any emotional reactions.


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By Mistress Nev

Fear: a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

There are many types of fear a submissive has. There is fear of physical pain, fear of the unknown, which can be pushing certain limits, and there are emotional fears.

I have discovered that the easiest fear to talk about is the fear of physical pain. Most of the time this is a black and white issue, meaning that they reach a level of pain and then they can’t take anymore, the safe word is called and the pain stops. They are willing to push themselves in the pain, with the understanding pain can and will stop when it becomes too much. This is a controlled pain. It brings pleasure to not only them, but their dominant, which for them, is the most important thing and they are willing to endure pain for this

Fear of the unknown can almost be described as apprehension. It is harder to talk about than a physical fear of pain. There isn’t a cut and dry, right or wrong, black or white limit. This fear can also be a controlled fear. The submissive does have the safe word they can use, they also have the right to say no before anything ever begins. It’s a fear the submissive has to think about, they decide if they are willing to face the fear. It can come from pushing a limit. For example, the dominant develops a task for the submissive to do. The submissive is apprehensive about doing elements of the task. The submissive has true fears. With some submissives, it is the fear that actually pushes them to completing the task.

This brings me to the next type of fear – emotional fear – one of the few fears that the submissive can’t control. It is a daunting type of fear for a submissive. This article came about from an interview I did with one of my submissives in which he stated, “But, because of what I said earlier, the non-private side of things really scare me and brings about frustration, and ultimately makes me scared that it will be the cause of things going off the rails permanently.” He dealt with the fear of the unknown by reacting to his emotional fear. For me, this was unacceptable as it goes against my philosophy of RACK (Risk Awareness Consensual Kink.)

In doing research for this article, I found the level of fear is based on the security of the relationship. In talking with a submissive that has been with her Master for a long period, she stated that, “I have no fear about him leaving, judging or making me do anything that he felt was unsafe was for me.” She felt secure in their relationship based on their history.

In conclusion, fear is very much part of submission. We as dominants build the trust with our submissive that in turns lessen their fears. It takes time, patience, communication and most importantly understanding and respecting their fears to help conquer an obstacle that can and does stand in the way of them to truly submit. To truly submit, the submissive has to have no emotional fear. We have to build that trust and make them feel secure within the relationship. If emotional fear is present, then good judgment and common sense isn’t used and we know that isn’t a good reason to submit.

Copyright 2007. This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

By Mistress Nev

I have two sisters, a mother, grandmother and two sister-in-laws. Including me, that makes seven women in my family whom I love dearly. Odds are, several of us will develop breast cancer, who will they be?

I look around at my friends, those online and in real life, how many will develop breast cancer?

We make sure our submissives are sexually and submissively satisfied, we have them spank or put clothespins on those sexy breasts, but let’s help them to make sure they stay healthy! October might be breast cancer awareness month, but we need to make sure we do this year-round. Plus, it’s a nice way we can show our submissive we care about them, and have a lot of fun in the process!
If you are a dominant, make it a monthly ritual for your female submissive to do monthly self checks of their breasts. If they don’t know how, have them ask their doctor to explain it to them and look up information online. Also, encourage mammograms for all females over 40, make them go, make it part of a task if you must!

Symptoms for females

• A lump in the breast
• Abnormal thickening of the breast
• A change in the shape or color of the breast.
• Thickening in any part of the breast
• Change in breast size or shape
• Dimpling or puckering of the skin
• Swelling, redness or warmth that does not go away
• Pain in one spot that does not vary with your monthly cycle
• Pulling in of the nipple
• Nipple discharge that starts suddenly and appears only in one breast
• An itchy, sore or scaling area on one nipple

Male’s also need to check. Be aware of your body – look for changes.
Breast cancer occurs primarily in women, but men can also develop breast cancer. Although men have less breast tissue than women, they do have breast cells that can undergo cancerous changes.

Symptoms for males

It is important to see a doctor if any of the following changes to the breast is noticed:

• A lump or swelling in the chest area
• Dimpled or puckered skin
• A nipple that is inverted (facing inward)
• Redness or scaling of the nipple or breast skin
• Discharge from the nipple

Breast cancer is the most common cancer in women in the United States. According to the American Cancer Society, it's estimated that about 178,480 women in the United States will be found to have invasive breast cancer in 2007. About 40,460 women will die from the disease this year. Right now there are slightly over 2 million women living in the United States who have been treated for breast cancer.

Breast cancer is a malignant tumor that grows in one or both of the breasts. Breast cancer usually develops in the ducts or lobules, also known as the milk-producing areas of the breast.

Breast cancer is the second leading cause of cancer death in women (after lung cancer). Although African-American women have a slightly lower incidence of breast cancer after age 40 than Caucasian women, they have a slightly higher incidence rate of breast cancer before age 40. However, African-American women are more likely to die from breast cancer at every age. Breast cancer is much less common in males; by comparison, the disease is about 100 times more common among women. The American Cancer Society estimates that in 2007 some 2,030 new cases of invasive breast cancer will be diagnosed among men in the United States.

Please, don't become a statistic, prevention is the key!

By Mistress Nev

Creating a task can be overwhelming. You have this mental picture in your mind that needs to be written so others may easily understand your vision. Everyone has their own system. I am sharing my arrangement in hopes that it helps you. Please understand that these are my thoughts and opinions only. In no way is it a reflection on how anyone else does his or her tasks. I hope this helps in your task development.

 

Getting The Idea

I get many ideas from my imagination or browsing Web sites. If I see a picture I like, I try to imagine how I would have one of my submissives in that picture. How did they arrive like that? What happens before, during and after the picture?

I also get ideas from my submissives. They actually are the best resource for task ideas. They tell me what they like to do. I listen and then add my own “mistressy” thoughts’ on how it should be done. If you don’t have any submissives, ask a submissive friend or someone you meet in a chat. I’m sure they would be more than happy to tell you what they enjoy.

My Brave Boys series came from such a source. One of my submissives loved CBT and rope tying. With his help, I was able to develop how to tie the rope around his cock and balls. Naturally, I then added my special touch with the sit-ups, fig (or “figging”) and clothespins – depending on which BB task you are reading. I looked at my submissive tied up. Then, we did it over again, and I looked at him just before, and just after being tied up. From those views, I developed the description of how he got there.

Another good source is your own imagination and fantasy. If you like to see a submissive pee on themselves, then envision what would happen before they peed if you were there. Would you have them masturbate, if so how? Would they be drinking a lot of water and holding it for a certain time? Where would they pee? Picture yourself there giving them the instructions and following the steps.

Researching The Idea

Now that you have the idea, please take the time to research any safety factors. For example, if you want them to do an enema, research enemas if you’re not familiar with them. Better yet, give yourself one to get an idea of what your submissive will be experiencing.

The next best thing would be having the element tested out by a submissive friend. Let them know that you need it TESTED, that it isn’t an assigned task. They need to be objective and not get into subspace. Ask them to take notes, how much water or if they needed to adjust the recipe. At times, enemas are painful. What kind of pain, if any, did they experience?

Not only does this protect the submissive and you it will help with the feedback you will be giving your submissive if you can relate to what they are talking about. This doesn’t mean you need to do an enema more than once or twice, you can use your knowledge in any future tasks.

Another advantage to doing research is you can begin to compile your safety notes. I have a Word document just for safety notes. In this document, I have several notes already written as well as websites I can post for the submissive to do more detailed research if they want. When I need to put a safety note about enemas, all I do is copy and paste it into my task, along with any websites that I have. (Usually just one or two is enough. If they want more, they can look.). There is no need to recreate a safety note that you have used before.

Speak the language submissives like to hear.

If you were there in person, you wouldn’t be giving them systematic instructions such as “1. Remove clothing; 2. Get your toys out.” Write as if you are there, “Now it’s time to get naked for me,” or “Show me what you have.”

I do want to touch on one very important aspect of writing – paragraph, paragraph, and paragraph! Nothing is more frustrating than to look at a task and see one big paragraph. Each idea – each step – needs to be broken apart from the other. Imagine that you’re a submissive in the middle of a task and need to confirm a detail. You lose something if you have to search an entire task for one little detail. Also, bigger or bolder headlines make it easier to read and comprehend task details.

Another biggie with me is making sure I use spell and grammar check. I realize not everyone have English as their first language. Even for those who do, grammar is hard and can be complicated. If at all possible, have someone proof for grammar only. Nothing is more of a turn-off than for the submissive to have to decipher a task.

"Neel donw and inset the plug.” The correct wording would be, “Kneel down and insert the plug.” The readability is much easier as the reader doesn’t have to fight for every word and can therefore concentrate on the task itself.

One last thing, use indents for examples or something you want to stand out. Make your task LOOK interesting, not just one solid block.

 

Template Of Task

I have designed a template for my tasks. Each of my tasks follows this template in some way or another.

• Task Name
• Items Needed For Task
• Objective or Note About The Task
• Rules for the Task
• Rituals for the Task
• The Task
• Any Special Instructions (like tying a rope or recipe for an enema)
• Reporting Instructions
• Time Frame to Complete the Task and Report
• Safety Notes
• Template: Broken Down

Task Name:
For me, this is one of the hardest parts in development. I want a name that isn’t common, stands out among other tasks, and grabs the submissive’s attention. At times, I have a name in mind for the idea. Other times I don’t. However, by the time I finish writing the task, I have thought of one. If not, I just ask the opinions of others. The task name is part of my template that I leave open until I can find a name.

Items Needed:
I fill this part out as I am writing the task. If I say “Insert two pieces of ice,” I go back up to Items Needed and add “Ice” to the list. If I am really into writing the task, I go ahead and write and let the task ideas flow. Then I reread the task just to find the items needed and add them to the list.

Objective or Note About The Task:
This is a particular part of the task where you can have fun. Explain to them what you want. “I feel like teasing some nipples today,” or “I am curious as to how long you can tease yourself without cumming.” Use your voice and include fun language here. This will likely be one of the first things they read… grab their attention here! Make it fun or scary, or just nasty and kinky. If your task is an experiment, then tell them.

Rules For The Task:
I find this much more manageable than putting them into the task itself. It can be easily read and understood. Many of my tasks have the same Rule. For example, no orgasms during this task unless otherwise stated; males are to sit while peeing; females are to stand while peeing; no panties/underwear allowed during this task. Once again, I have a Word document with a list of rules – no need to reinvent the wheel. I can easily just cut and paste the ones I want into any task. I sometimes do the rules first as I have it in my head what I want. If this is an all day task, then bathroom control rules are included, such as sitting or standing.

Rituals For The Task:
This section is very similar to Rules, except I try to make it for special rules and it’s mostly used when the task is multi-day. Remember, it’s all in the wording. For example, if you want them to kneel daily for the duration of the task, make it a ritual, and it will sound much better than a rule. Submissives love rituals! Kneeling daily isn’t a rule, after all. It’s more of a ritual, and you want it more special than a rule. You want them to get something out of it. It is to be done daily at a set time, unlike peeing, which is as needed and less personal, in my opinion. I also have a Word document for the most frequent rituals I have.

The Task:
This is for the systematic instructions. You can still have fun with wording, but keep it basic. This is the part they will be referring to, if needed, when in the midst of a task. Make it simple, easy steps. Do each step in your mind. Make sure they make sense in the order you do them. Once again, picture yourself doing the steps. It isn’t possible to cuff yourself to the bed, and then remove your clothes. Put yourself in the scene, and if possible, actually walk yourself through the steps. For cuffs hold something, and then try the rest of the task in your mind or physically. Wearing cuffs while trying to plug yourself might be hard to do. If you step through this yourself, you can understand in what order things need to be done. If you have several steps, put them in numerical order. If there are just a few, bullets can be used.

Any Special Instructions (like tying a rope or a recipe for enema):
Instead of bogging down the task with detailed directions, make a special place for them in this area. I put this after the task itself. That way, the performer can read and enjoy the task and not get into details that will take the excitement away. For example, you are telling them to give themselves an enema before the start. There is no need to get into the details of an enema (like the recipe for one) when there are more important and exciting things like plugging yourself after the enema or masturbating while holding one. The important thing is to let the submissive get excited when first reading the task, and then worry about the details later.

Reporting Instructions:
Just as it says, instructions of what you want to see in a report. I also have a basic statement for this… in a Word document. However, I do have to adjust accordingly for each task.

Time Frame (to complete the task and submit the report):
I also have a basic statement for Time Frame that I keep in a Word document which I adjust accordingly for the specific task. Make sure you are reasonable. I usually allow seven days to complete the task and submit the report in order to include at least one weekend.

Safety Notes:
As I stated earlier, I have standard notes for specific things like clothespin safety, circulation, ice safety, and hot wax, to name a few. This also might include websites so people may read information that is more detailed.

Some Final Remarks

Of course, not all the items in my template are needed with all tasks. The fun part is that I can mix and match. In addition, when I have the basic format, it takes the pressure off from making sure I have all I need in the task. I can focus on the steps of the task itself.

As I’ve said before, have your template and standard notes available. There is no need to reinvent the wheel – or task, in this case.

The most important thing to remember when developing a task is to have fun and make sure you mention the safety of the submissive up front. When they do a task online, it is part of their responsibility to make sure it’s safe for them.

However, we need to strive to make sure we make it as safe as possible before we make the task available to them. A task can never be read and proofed too much before being posted.

Have fun and good luck!

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